All these wonderful happy memories I have. I cherish them, I hold them dear to my heart. I hate letting go of something that made me so happy at one point in time.
It doesn't seem fair. To be honest, I feel robbed. I feel angry and hurt. I lost so much with the divorce.
It's hard for me to say it. It's hard for me to know, I lose that whole family. I hate him for that. I hate that he can take them away from me. Because even if it's just me feeling this way, I loved them. I loved them all and I still care about them.
I miss long talks with his father, I miss hugs from his grandparents, hell I even miss his mother, because really, she could be so wonderful to me. I was loved and accepted into that family. I hold them dear to my heart, like an old memory.
I'm crying for the loss of them. I'm hurting because I know I can never be close to them like it used to be and someday soon, they will move on and someone will be there in his life, taking my place.
It's not him I miss the most. I miss my other family, with all their faults, and yet, with all their love.
I wish I could still have a relationship with them, but I know honestly, it's not possible. He's driven a wedge too far between us and it's not fair to make them uncomfortable. When we got divorced he said he still wanted to be friends, but the last time I had any contact with him, he said he never wanted me to call him again.
I lost friends too. Friends that I loved and held dear to my heart. And I'm forced to give them up as well. Because I won't make them choose, and they were his friends first.
Moving on, learning that change will happen. I wish my heart understood they whys of the world.
It's a tough pill to swallow.
How do people bounce back from this shit? How do people put it together when it feels so raw and exposed?
I'm learning that time and sleep help, friends are really the most amazing comfort there is, and taking small steps, keep putting one foot in front of the other.
And then there is Lucas, a long time friend that is dear to my heart. Patient and caring, I don't know what I did to deserve such a friend. I feel like such a coward sometimes. I know I'm making good choices, slow choices and I'm letting things progress at their own speed. Yet part of me wants to know what he wants from me.
Part of me is curious, is he looking for more? I'm scared to ask the question, mostly because I don't know if I can be more when most of the time I feel so broken. He's never rushed me, he's not pushing me. If anything, he's so patient it's almost maddening.
His family is amazing too. I love his family.
Why do I feel so fucked up? I've been meaning to go to the Divorce Care meetings at church. I should talk to Sue about these things, but I never know where to start. I'm sure just showing up would be a step in the right direction but that step is so freaking hard to take.
So what do I do with those cherished memories of people I love that I feel are denied to me now? I know I will keep them stored in one of my little "mind boxes" and keep them for just me, but I hate setting them on a shelf, putting them away. I wish I could keep them dusted off, knowing that I can see them soon, but the hard truth is that they aren't mine to see anymore, they aren't mine to keep. Because some things aren't easily shared after divorce. Some things, just have to be put away.
The Lord granted me a big heart to love so many, I wish it didn't hurt so much to lose them. I hope they know that I still love them and that they will always have a happy place in a corner of my heart. That I will cherish the years we had and hope the best for their lives. Even hope the best for his cranky ass sister, the one who liked to be a jerk.
God, help me to move on. Thank you for giving me such wonderful friends that without them, I'd be lost, even more so that I have been lately. Thank you for family that love me unconditionally, even in my crappiest moments.
I wish it was easier, and I wish this didn't hurt so much. One step at a time, one day at a time.
Sleep helps, and it's time to sleep now.