All in the Life of Leeny...|
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|Monday, November 5th, 2012|
|This sad heart of mine...
Damn you sappy movies. :)
All these wonderful happy memories I have. I cherish them, I hold them dear to my heart. I hate letting go of something that made me so happy at one point in time.
It doesn't seem fair. To be honest, I feel robbed. I feel angry and hurt. I lost so much with the divorce.
It's hard for me to say it. It's hard for me to know, I lose that whole family. I hate him for that. I hate that he can take them away from me. Because even if it's just me feeling this way, I loved them. I loved them all and I still care about them.
I miss long talks with his father, I miss hugs from his grandparents, hell I even miss his mother, because really, she could be so wonderful to me. I was loved and accepted into that family. I hold them dear to my heart, like an old memory.
I'm crying for the loss of them. I'm hurting because I know I can never be close to them like it used to be and someday soon, they will move on and someone will be there in his life, taking my place.
It's not him I miss the most. I miss my other family, with all their faults, and yet, with all their love.
I wish I could still have a relationship with them, but I know honestly, it's not possible. He's driven a wedge too far between us and it's not fair to make them uncomfortable. When we got divorced he said he still wanted to be friends, but the last time I had any contact with him, he said he never wanted me to call him again.
I lost friends too. Friends that I loved and held dear to my heart. And I'm forced to give them up as well. Because I won't make them choose, and they were his friends first.
Moving on, learning that change will happen. I wish my heart understood they whys of the world.
It's a tough pill to swallow.
How do people bounce back from this shit? How do people put it together when it feels so raw and exposed?
I'm learning that time and sleep help, friends are really the most amazing comfort there is, and taking small steps, keep putting one foot in front of the other.
And then there is Lucas, a long time friend that is dear to my heart. Patient and caring, I don't know what I did to deserve such a friend. I feel like such a coward sometimes. I know I'm making good choices, slow choices and I'm letting things progress at their own speed. Yet part of me wants to know what he wants from me.
Part of me is curious, is he looking for more? I'm scared to ask the question, mostly because I don't know if I can be more when most of the time I feel so broken. He's never rushed me, he's not pushing me. If anything, he's so patient it's almost maddening.
His family is amazing too. I love his family.
Why do I feel so fucked up? I've been meaning to go to the Divorce Care meetings at church. I should talk to Sue about these things, but I never know where to start. I'm sure just showing up would be a step in the right direction but that step is so freaking hard to take.
So what do I do with those cherished memories of people I love that I feel are denied to me now? I know I will keep them stored in one of my little "mind boxes" and keep them for just me, but I hate setting them on a shelf, putting them away. I wish I could keep them dusted off, knowing that I can see them soon, but the hard truth is that they aren't mine to see anymore, they aren't mine to keep. Because some things aren't easily shared after divorce. Some things, just have to be put away.
The Lord granted me a big heart to love so many, I wish it didn't hurt so much to lose them. I hope they know that I still love them and that they will always have a happy place in a corner of my heart. That I will cherish the years we had and hope the best for their lives. Even hope the best for his cranky ass sister, the one who liked to be a jerk.
God, help me to move on. Thank you for giving me such wonderful friends that without them, I'd be lost, even more so that I have been lately. Thank you for family that love me unconditionally, even in my crappiest moments.
I wish it was easier, and I wish this didn't hurt so much. One step at a time, one day at a time.
Sleep helps, and it's time to sleep now.
Leeny Current Mood: sore
|Wednesday, August 8th, 2012|
|Here we go again!
So, I'm back at PNS. YAY! Now, to some people, working at a grocery store is not so thrilling, and I know people question my choice in working there. They say...but you have a teaching degree, why don't you teach??
Yes, in a perfect world I would have my own classroom and be putting my teaching degree to good use. Sad fact is, it is DAMN HARD to get a teaching job right now. With teaching jobs being cut, many teachers laid off and all the crap going on in the school system, it's like 400 teacher applying for 1 position when they open.
I've been going back and forth on teaching lately. What I'd really like to do is go back for my reading certification and be just a reading teacher. Where I do enjoy full classrooms, I like the specialized learning. A lot of this has to do with me and not having my own classroom. I like having my own space to work.
Besides, I'd really love to take more classes so I feel more with the times.
Anyway, I had my first real on the job training. Most of it was just like I remembered. I got a crash course in the "speed zones" or self checkout, till counting, service desk and other misc things.
I was really proud on how much came back to me, even if I was annoyed with not knowing some of the new stuff, but it's a learning in progress. I'm sure I'll be zipping through this stuff in no time.
It felt like "home". Yes, it can be stressful and obnoxious, but I really like doing this job. Hell, I did it for 9 years before I left for Iowa. I missed it when I left. I stayed in retail when I lived in Iowa.
I like working with people. I like PNS.
I will probably bitch about it, but hell, what job doesn't get a good bitchfest from time to time?
I'm tired and my feet hurt like hell. Nothing like an 8.5 hr first day back! Tomorrow, shopping for work clothes. White button up dress shirts, black dress pants, GOOD BLACK TENNIS SHOES. (I wore flats today...BAD IDEA)
I get to wear a tie to. I look damn cute in a tie. <3
Alright, sleep time. Gotta get up at 6:30am with mom to exercise.
~Leeny Current Mood: sore
|Wednesday, September 7th, 2011|
|Turning 30, a year of learning.
Ha. For my 30th birthday I got a divorce. To anyone else this may seem like a bad thing.
Now don't get me wrong it isn't something someone really wants to go through. But it happens, shit happens and there is nothing you can do to stop the avalanche. I need to be more responsible about where I vent. I forget that I still need to conform to social norms and that to bitch about my life on Facebook may not be the best outlet.
That's where you come in my old faithful friend. A safe spot where only my close and dearest friends reside. And even then you can be a private entry, just for me, just so I can remember.
So much has changed and I need my new outlet. I think my goal is this, to journal at least once a week, venting or happy, sad, depressed angry. all these emotions need a place to rest their weary heads.
But I need to go to class soon.
I feel better already.
~Sabby Current Mood: chipper
|Saturday, July 10th, 2010|
|That was so good, I want to do it again.
Sleep. Pure mostly non-dream sleep. I'm still groggy but better than exhausted.
It's almost 8 am, and tho i should go back to bed i want to keep a more regular sleep schedule. I know sleeping till whenever is full of awesome and win, it's not the best sleep hygiene for your body. Now I need to focus on a normal bedtime. I'm going to shoot for 10:00 in bed and 10:30 sleep. my body is used to walking up at 7:30-8 ish on it's own so I'm going to keep with that.
Things to do today, i'm going to make a list, andi like it! and yes, I add easy things to my list just to have the gratification of crossing it off later.
Love love, and in a better mood...
Leeny Current Mood: zzzz
|Thursday, June 24th, 2010|
I'm sorry I have neglected you so. That damn facebook had too many games and sucked me into the abyss. But the good thing about you, is that only my close personal friends read you. So I can actually bitch and swear if I want to. Because, well, I can.
I'm feeling bitchy. Mostly due to being a girl. Like, I haven't been this uncomfortable in a while. The last two days have been painful, which is not normal for me usually. Those lovely birth control pills do wonders. I dunno, I haven't been feeling well, I still went to Curves yesterday. But like 2/3 the way through, CRAMPS, like you would not believe. I wanted to cry.
Other than that, things are going alright. Summer, well, I suck at planning for summer. Job wise that is. I for some reason always have a lapse in memory, that less hours working in the summer means less money to pay bills. Why do I not think of this oh...3 months before school lets out? I applied at the local grocery store, but I don't know if they are hiring. I'm hoping for the fall to come quickly, only if it means I can start working more!
Tuesday Morning just doesn't have a lot of regular hours to give right now. Which is sad. The first week of July we will be swamped with Inventory and counting, so I'll get plenty of hours then, but as for now, I'm filling the time with watching the World Cup. (that's not so bad actually)
Not working...is stressful. You'd think, oh it's like a vacation, but as fun as it is to have time off, I'm the type to be aware that the money is not being made by me. And I pick up the mail, so I see the monthly bills. ACK.
The pool is open, that's a positive, but Andrew isn't around to go swimming. I need a swimming buddy. So yeah, life is life. I'm going to be 29. crazy.
Leeny Current Mood: blah
|Friday, April 30th, 2010|
It has been put into motion.
I have started my smart program. I have this nifty key card that has my range and intensity measured for each machine. So it tells me when I'm really working my ass off and when I start to slack. "Go for Green" is the motto. Oyi. This will kick my ass, as I am already feeling it right now.
I adore Linda, one of the instructors. She's just awesome and motivating and 50ish. She has a way of encouraging and not making you feel bad about your body. She emphasizes health not weight, it's about getting healthier. So she said I should cut out 1 thing that I eat that I could do without. I'm gonna really watch myself the next few days and find what that little vice. I know it's not soda, I have that rarely unless we go out to eat, and lately I've been trying to just keep it to water.
We will see. I'm excited. I am hopeful. I feel empowered.
I will make myself better damn it. I can do it.
~Leeny Current Mood: excited
|Friday, February 26th, 2010|
Count it all joy, my brethren, when you meet various trials, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives to all men generously and without reproaching, and it will be given him.
|Sunday, February 7th, 2010|
I think I'm sick again. I guess the winter of 2009/2010 is just brutal for me.
I can't ever think if a time when I've been sick for such a prolonged period of time. Telling me I'm not getting enough sleep (never do) not eating right (gotta work on that) and being too stressed out. I'm sure working with the Preschoolers are a huge contributing factor, with the sneezing and coughing in your face, heck even touching them makes me get a cold. It's like a walking plague!!!
But I love the little ones, even the ones that really push the limits.
Parents, discipline your kids. I'm not telling you this because I have children or that I'm some expert, but some discipline would be appreciated. Most of their behavior is due to the lack of parenting in your home.
You get out, what you put in, and when you're giving in to them and giving them every thing they "WANT" you are spoiling them and making them into little beasts. Give them what they "NEED" love, support and a guideline to make them a responsible being. Children WANT to know what is right and wrong. They want the structure to know what they can do to make it.
Love your children enough to discipline them.
I'm always surprised at how many people just drop their kids in daycare. I understand it's convenient if you can afford it, but why wouldn't you want to raise your own children? Some of these kids are at school from 7:50 -5:30. Who is teaching your kids the values you hope they will have? They go home, eat dinner and sleep, only to come back to preschool the next day and do it all over again.
Who is raising your kids? And when it comes down to me having to do the job, you won't follow through with what we do during the day, so it gets undone, by the time they come back.
IT is not my responsibility to raise your children. I care for them. You be the parent.
Other than that, life is good. I'm recovering and hoping that someday, this cough will stay gone,
|Friday, February 5th, 2010|
|I DO exist....
Facebook has stolen me! Sad sad little livejournal. I have neglected you so!
I still love you and promise to write more often.
Life is still moving forward. Check.
I'm still working at the preschool. Check.
Still married and loving my husband. Check.
Still missing my friends back home. Check.
Wishing for Spring to come sooner. Check.
Wants to shoot a groundhog. Check.
Is content for the most part. Check.
Going to bed now. :D
|Tuesday, November 24th, 2009|
|Wednesday, November 11th, 2009|
|I don't know what to say.
I just found out that a friend's father passed away on Monday.
I've known their family for almost 17 years. I am in utter shock.
They will be in my prayers.
Current Mood: crappy
|Tuesday, October 20th, 2009|
|sick, sick...still sick.
I feel blarg.
The only redeeming thing about being sick and at home is finishing Boys Over Flowers.
Everything else sucks. I have a concert on Saturday so I hope this awful coughing goes away. I want to SING!!!
We'll see how tonight goes.
I'm going to crawl back into bed and pretend I died there.
|Saturday, October 10th, 2009|
Damn cliffhangers. I swear....there's one at the end of every freaking episode.
I don't know if I should love you more or curse you!
I've been bitten by the Boys Over Flowers bug.
Joon Pyo! Ji Hoo! Jan Di!!!!!!
Current Mood: torn
|Saturday, October 3rd, 2009|
Go see it. I laughed, I cried, I almost spilled juice on my good pants.
|Wednesday, September 30th, 2009|
|Sunday, September 27th, 2009|
Stupid me slipped and fell down some stairs this morning.
I was going to go feed the cats and my foot caught the edge of a step and kinda wooshed out from under me. I fell backwards, slid down a few stairs and heard my back crack. I think I may have hit the middle of my spine on the steps too. It all happened really fast.
I've never seen/heard Andrew get out of bed so quickly.
I'm thinking I'm okay right now. I can stand, walk and bend over, so I don't think there's serious damage. But we'll have to wait and see. I'm more concerned about my back. The noise it made really scared me, but I think I just cracked my back and not broken anything.
I'm tired. I think I'm going to go lay down.
Current Mood: sore
|Sunday, September 20th, 2009|
|Monday, September 7th, 2009|
|a sleepy morning.
Kitty's leaving now. But I had such a great weekend and I hope she did too!
Love you Kitty, Drive safe.
|Friday, August 28th, 2009|